Heritage Day Dilemma

Hayley Baron

Heritage Day is upon us and as always, my daughter’s school has a dress up. “... let’s embrace our rich and diverse backgrounds, together – and dress accordingly!”, the message from school says.

This gives me palpitations.

How do we dress accordingly, if there is no one heritage to claim as ours? What do I dress my daughter in to embrace her komvandaan?

Growing up, “where I come from” was never a discussion point around the dinner table. And when discussed, you’d get a variety of origin stories. Mind you, it doesn’t make the dressing up situation any easier.

Stories, like “your mom’s grandfather was a British sailor who jumped ship in Table Harbour”. Was he black? Was he white? What was his heritage? Do we even know? And “Jou oumagrootjie was ’n slaaf”. Yes, but from where?

And then: “Jong, jou pa se familie het saam met die Franse Hugenote hier aangekom.” I don’t even know if the latter is true.

So this morning on the way to school we had a light-hearted discussion of what my daughter will be wearing. From suggestions of a French beret and carrying a baguette, to a headscarf underneath the beret and carrying a tea cup to symbolise the English komvandaan. None of these I’m not overly confident with.

“Do schools realise how challenging this is for people who have had their history taken away from them; those who have had to build their own from the scattered bits and pieces of memories of elders who so desperately want to forget?”

Jill Thomas: “I have been struggling with this exact question since yesterday when I got the letter. Do we embrace our Greek history? Our Dutch? But then what about our Khoi heritage? Does she dress as a princess? Because there is a bit of royalty in our history, or so the story goes (if it was in a museum it must be true). I just don’t know. Do schools realise how challenging this is for people who have had their history taken away from them; those who have had to build their own from the scattered bits and pieces of memories of elders who so desperately want to forget?”

“If you are not sure of your exact family origins it is also a good time to have a conversation about exactly that - the why and how, about slavery, colonialism, apartheid, and everything in between.”

Asanda Saule Ngoasheng: “I work as a diversity trainer and this is a question that comes up a lot. Heritage Day is an opportunity to tell your kids about your heritage. Even if it’s 20 different pieces and you are not 100% sure about each piece it really helps kids to build an identity and sense of self when their family tells them their komvandaan.

“If you are not sure of your exact family origins it is also a good time to have a conversation about exactly that - the why and how, about slavery, colonialism, apartheid, and everything in between. I work in schools with children who get heartbroken because I am the first person to talk to them about slavery, colonialism and apartheid.

“What also confuses things is that kids pick up bits of information when adults are having conversations, and if we don’t help guide our kids on who they are then they sadly will internalise all the stereotypes about their identity(ies) based on what is being said about their culture, colour, neighborhood, etc. by ignorant adults.

“I really wish more parents would have this difficult but important conversation with kids and save them the heartache of internalising racial bullying, and thinking they are the problem when they are just experiencing racism. Children who aren’t taught about race and racism in South Africa at home believe whatever their school and other adults in their life tell them about who they are.

“When we know what racism is and how it operates we are not caught like deer in headlights when racially abused. It empowers us to respond in the moment instead of being confused.”

“When we know what racism is and how it operates we are not caught like deer in headlights when racially abused. It empowers us to respond in the moment instead of being confused. Of course it will still hurt, but the trauma will be minimised because the child will understand why the other kid said it and what the history of the word is.

“Sadly far too many parents think they are protecting kids and they fear transferring their own trauma onto their kids. They forget that trauma is passed down intergenerationally whether you speak about it or not. Ask Germans who knew there was something wrong but not what it was until they discovered their grandparents were Nazis. The body remembers, our blood remembers and the act of suppression causes more harm. Kids know they are treated differently as the only POC or one of a few POC in school, they know and have a sinking feeling in their stomach. Their hair stands up when a person says something racist. Our job as parents is to help them understand the what and why from as young as possible.

“It’s like the sex talk – the earlier it starts the better. The more conversations you have, the better.”

“I have been having conversations with my kids about their skin colour, race and everything in between since they were babies. It’s like the sex talk – the earlier it starts the better. The more conversations you have, the better. We just have to figure our child-appropriate ways to tell them about race. Do not tell them everything in one go, but have many conversations over time.”

“We owe it to future generations to help them with making sense of things and building strong identities and sense of self. Even if their story is: ‘I have a relative from every continent in the world’, that will give them a better sense of identity than no information.”

Even if their story is: ‘I have a relative from every continent in the world’, that will give them a better sense of identity than no information.”

Missydee Opperman: I used to think I was protecting the kids by not mentioning race and racism, until my 10-year-old was called the N-word by another child. I realised then I needed to have those difficult discussions and we have been having them ever since. Last year they did a DNA kit and are currently busy with our family tree. My son Ewan knows more about South African history than I do and we have very animated conversations about slavery, apartheid, racism and colonialism. Much to the annoyance of my 15-year-old who thinks we are radical communists.